1/8/12
Dear Diary,
So I have been on a literary binge for the past week…
Most of which was Twilight (don‘t judge me), Twilight inspired literature or some other romantic fantasy, and it has made me come to an interesting conclusion…
I am a hopeless (in every denotation of the word) romantic…
I always knew I liked romance, but I think at some point in my life I kind of hid that part of me in the back of my mind. Kind of putting it away with other childish things I felt I grew out of…
But no… a desire for romance isn’t a things that passes with age, it is definitely a part of the person I am. When I read these stories… read the simple sensations that these characters get simply by holding the one they love’s hand, it made me feel complete. I know that sounds crazy. These characters/situations aren’t real, but I think it made me realize that I am happy and satisfied with ever aspect of my life… but that is the only thing that’s missing. And besides… I believe fiction comes from reality… When I read of a kiss that steals your breath and you shudder but still pull them closer no matter how physically impossible “closer“ could be… I have felt that before… and so I believe, and always will…
Its difficult to look around and be happy with every part of your life but love, because love is something I can’t choose or control. Which makes it hard for me to say how long I will be without something that seems to be such a big part of me…
I’ve noticed many of the woman in my life are searching for the same thing as me, however they are opting for quantity over quality in the end. The fear of feeling lonely out weighs the need for true romance. I was that way once, but I’ve learned that being lonely sometimes is better than inflicting repeated heartbreak on yourself each time a person falls short.
And anyway… When did it become so cliché to be romantic? Men at some point in history stopped paying attention to the details of making a woman fall in love with them., and women stopped holding them to that standard. Well, not me, not anymore. I want the movie… I want the fairytale… And I am accepting nothing less…
On a side note I have brought in 2012 with open arms and a better understanding and love for the woman I’ve become. I am now 25, and for some reason I have anticipated this year my whole life. I feel great changes and big things coming, I even physically feel different. I FEEL like a woman. I have learned to love and accept every part of myself physically, and though I am still learning about myself mentally I still love and accept that as well. With work, I was blessed enough to be able to put one of my employees in a position to move up in the company, which almost brought him to tears. One of my friends told me recently that my job was one of my faults… it hurt me at first but I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did for my employee without my job, so at that I now have to laugh… Then I found out that I unfortunately wasn’t able to get a ticket to go home to see my family for Christmas this years. This would have been my first year ever away from my family… I was very sad, however kept telling myself that if I wasn’t meant to go home that God surely had a reason and I would put my faith in him… Then, on Christmas Eve, I got a phone call from my ex’s mom… they apparently had been talking about my situation and she told me that no person should be away from their family on Christmas… and that I should pack my bag because my plane left in 2 hrs… She had bought me a ticket home. Needless to say I was in shock, no one had ever done something so nice for me. I left and got to spend Christmas with my family….Then a few days ago, my other ex’s mom sent me a Christmas card with some cash in it. It was funny because she wrote in the card “ sorry it was late” but she was right on time… As I walked to my mailbox I had been telling myself I was a little low on cash… Christmas being at the end of December and then rent right after has never been a good combination for me… And then I got my card… no, she was right on time…
It’s the little things like this that remind me how blessed I am. Blessed to have, maybe not everything I want, but always everything I need. Bless to have people in my life that think so highly of me. People don’t do things like this for people they hardly know anymore, and yet these women thought I am worth these gestures… its really an amazing feeling…
Anyhow, I really am going to get better at this Tumblr thing… I think things and I’m like “Hey I should put that in my diary” and by the time I sit down to write I have forgotten most of what I wanted to say… more importantly the emotions are gone, and my writing is best when I first feel the emotion that made me want to write in the first place. I have the app on my phone now, so hopefully I will be better at that… and my dreams… I’ve been dreaming a lot lately so I want to start a dream journal… may do that today…
Thanks for listening btw… to those of u who actually take the time to read my thoughts… it means a lot.
Raining out… must go stare in amazement…
~KLJ
